My cat and Art’s cat. Never met, but they’re a thing.

She disappears then brings herself back, just often enough to keep me thinking about her..

.. it’s bullshit

"Between you and your 4 roommates I come by to bring you guys at least a quarter every 2 days, but the one time you call and need only 2, can’t do it. Because fuck you."

Fuck any dealer that is like this.
 

That phone call that makes your heart pound the entire time.

"I’ll never know what I want, and played with you emotionally, and I just thought I’d call you randomly after not talking to you at all for 2 months."


FUCK YOUUUUUU 

I REAAAALLLLY fucking hate it when someone who you haven’t talked to in like 3 years, randomly just starts sending you messages on facebook about how “we need to chill.” “i’ll bring some kush”(like it’s some rare commodity I don’t already smoke every day) “show me some metal bands” (while using facebook, the hub of music right now)…


And then they casually mention after several extremely, progressively, disinterested replies, “I’m like drunk, need to be at 7”.


Fuck off. 

Seriously.

A serious thought, out of pure curiousity but, why don’t girls hit on me, ever?

It’s something I’m genuinely wanting to know why..
I don’t feel bad about it or anything like that, it just confuses me. 
I like to think I’m a pretty good looking guy, and a cool person.
How come no one ever hits on me?  

Sitting in my boxers watching random tv shows on Netflix.

 

So I’m wondering..

How/why is it that girls have this uncanny ability to pretend like they never knew someone, over the course of a few short days?

Regardless of history..
Honestly. What the fuck? 

What the fuck brain?

It’s been just under a week since I’ve gotten back from my dad’s, and I’ve been feeling progressively worse again. :(
I don’t know why, but I just feel like my entire existence is worthless, and that I’m forever being left behind, and overlooked when I’m here.

I finally got the balls to delete someone from my phone/facebook/life last night, who I should’ve been able to do that months and months ago. And now, I just feel like shit over it. I hate that feeling, where I feel like I was forced into doing something I had absolutely no intention of doing in the first place. 

I want to change everything, but no matter what I seem trapped. It’s like this vicious circle where one thing is holding the other back, but it’s only held back because of the other and so on and so on.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. 

Ughh

People used to go to someone’s grave when they had something they wanted to share with them after they passed.

Now they just post on their facebook wall.

I don’t know why but it really bothers me.  

This week

This one week “vacation” from Sudbury has been pretty awesome so far.
I’ve been able to clear my head, and I hope when I get back it carries over.

Also, pretty girls are pretty. 

So far so good..

Phase one of starting over is going well so far.
New facebook is being limited to very, very specific people. And already it’s putting me slightly at ease.
Woke up in a relatively good mood today, which hasn’t happened in a long while, and aside from a few people being complete asshats, today was a good day.

I listened to music most of the day until I had to go meet my grandma, and then spent the afternoon with her and my 3 year old cousin Leah.
Picked up a wireless mouse/keyboard package and a stand for her Kinect. Then setup everything for convenience.
She’s now got a better home theater setup than I do, and I’m kind of jealous.

I don’t know why I’m starting to post more “real” blog posts, but I think over time it’ll help keep my head clear, and get things off my mind.
Hopefully I’m not wrong.

I’d like to start looking for work so I can being phase 2 of starting over. Mainly that consists of saving money so I can get the fuck out of this shitty town.
I’ve come to realize that I’ve got too big of a personality to deal with “small town” people, and moving to a big city like Toronto or Ottawa would make me “normal”, just because the city is so much bigger.
Hard to explain the logic in that, but it makes sense to me, so that’s what I’m doing.

I’m heading to my dad’s on Sunday in Pembroke for a week, to clear my head. And after that, job hunting will be out in full force. No point in trying to look hard now if I’m leaving for a week in 4 days.

I’m really hoping that going to my dad’s will help me get my mind back to where it should be.


I don’t want to be as negative as I am, but life’s been hard and generally unfair, so that’s what I’ve “become”.
It reflects poorly on who I really am as a person, and I’m starting to think that it’s part of why so many useless, using, ungrateful, unsupportive and unappreciative people have come into my life.

Either way.
Gotta fix my life. 

Escape

The past few months have been pretty unreal. Close friends, family, acquaintances, all dying. In combination with the normal stressed of a seemingly endless line of failure and let downs.

Too many people that have come into my life over time are bringing me down, in ways I can describe, and ways I can’t understand. All I know is it needs to change.
I’ve been depressed “off and on” for a few years now, and the past year and a half has been extremely difficult.
Every relationship I’ve had has blown up in my face with a merciless barrage of lies, betrayal, secrets, and all around bullshit.
I can’t find a job to save my life, and the ironic part is I don’t realllly want a “job”. I want to find something I can do, to make enough to live happy. Do the things I want. But at the same time, I refuse to work for or with any kind of person that, by my standards, is a shitty person, or is not someone that I can look at as deserving of “authority” over me.
It’s ridiculous, and I know it is. But it’s me.

I have 4 roommates, who all at varying times are great, and have bad moments too. But the past month has been a little unsettling.
One roommate who is “coping” with a relationship ending on bad terms(we told him 18 months ago that it’s what was going to happen), along with alcholism, was going to kill himself on my birthday, and the past few weeks there’s been a lot of unease at the house because of it. He’s doing much better, and I’m happy for him, but it’s got us all a little on edge.

Yesterday, I inadvertently happened upon a facebook conversation on one of my other roommates computers as I was closing Diablo. And discovered that he has been trying to hook up with a girl who, I’ve been in love with for a long time, and have close to 4 years of emotional history with.
Not to mention, he has a girlfriend that lives 5 doors down from us, that he’s been with over 2 years. 

Things haven’t been good between the two of us for a few months, and she is physical incapable of offering any semblance of an explanation as to why things have been the way they are. And in this situation, I’m not even necessarily upset towards her over it, as it only gives me further reason to disconnect her from my life.

Him on the other hand, as I put it last night, it took me everything not to bash his face into splinters, make knuckles out of the bone fragments and then proceed to pound him until he looks like applesauce.
I’m absolutely fucking rattled over this. And he’s crossing, or at least attempting to cross a boundary that should not be crossed.
Not with me, not with anyone.

All of this has compounded onto my already miserable daily routine, and making me want to escape from here as soon as possible, all the more.
But I can’t leave. I’m trapped.
I need money to cover last months rent so I can leave, followed by first and last for a new place.
Along with a steady source of income, obviously.

Every single thing that’s happening to me lately is making me feel terrible. And it’s getting to me.
I almost broke down this afternoon when I went for a walk, and I have no idea why.
I get extremely negative thoughts, and reflect back on my life, and on my future, and it terrifies me.

I want to live, I want to be happy, I want to share my experiences.

But unless things change, I fear I won’t ever get to do that.

More and more as days go by, I’m finding myself looking and thinking about the people in my life, and who I know. And they disgust me. 

There’s a very minute group of gems among those people, and I really hope they know who they are.

I need them more than anything right now.